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Instructions for giving a pill to a cat… (origin unknown)
1. Pick up a cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of your cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor anc cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrive cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
5. Retrieve pill from Goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emmitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand whilst forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7. Retreive cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and put to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw; force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pills are not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.